like a fish needs a bicycle

Well, friends, the time has finally come.  I’ve thought about it many times, and mentioned it many times, but I’ve now decided to do it.  I’m taking an indefinite break from blogging.  In my almost 3 years of blogging (!), there has been catharsis, hilarity, and genuine connection.  There has also been some controversy and some strange visits and some unfortunate encounters.  I’ve learned a lot through all of it — I’ve learned about myself and others, and a lot about the truly bizarre nature of the internet.  Overall I’ve enjoyed it. 

But really, I just don’t have it in me anymore — for several reasons.

One main reason is that I’m just tired.  I’m tired of being misunderstood, verbally attacked, accused of all kinds of things by people who don’t know me at all or who supposedly know me but apparently don’t know me well enough to understand my intentions.  (In fact, I sometimes feel this misunderstanding fatigue simply as a result of commenting on other people’s blogs, so I’m considering not doing that anymore either — truly, the web is a limited medium for human communication.)  I’m tired of spending my time and energy blogging when I have lots of other things to do, and blogging isn’t as rewarding as I would like it to be (see above).   I’m tired of feeling bad because I think I’ve offended people when I didn’t mean to, and often, when I don’t think there was any reason to be offended, regardless of my intention.  I’m tired of feeling like I can’t write about anything I’m passionate about or anything that’s important to me, lest it be misinterpreted and attacked.  I’m tired of feeling like I have to sell out and only write about superficial things to save myself the energy of responding to the attack of others, some of whom apparently think my personal blog is actually a public forum for (sometimes uncivil) debate – because, truly, I don’t see the point in having a personal blog if I don’t feel that I can authentically express myself. 

I really feel like I’m not being true to myself when I forego saying something I want to say because I don’t want to deal with the fallout. Perhaps I’m not as naturally agreeable a person as some people are, and so the things I say on my blog — which often reflect my disappointment or indignation at the injustices in the world or the failings of myself and others — are not as well-received as the happy, fun stuff that other people blog about.  Perhaps that didn’t used to bother me.  But, having grown as tired as I have at this point, I find that I often just save myself the trouble of dealing with negative reactions by not talking about such things at all… and that just makes me feel disengenuous and I don’t like it.

I think that, at this point, I just don’t have the detachment, the patience, or the ability to compartmentalize my feelings that it takes to be a happy member of the blogosphere.  Yes, I’ve grown from dealing with certain things that happen on the blog, and I’m sure I’d continue to grow if I continued to deal with these things.  But I’m also sure I can grow in other ways through other channels, perhaps without needlessly putting myself out there and being forced to explain or defend myself — on what is supposedly my own personal space to which other people come as guests.  Because, really, I’ve had enough of that. 

Another reason is that I just don’t feel the passion or excitement about blogging that I used to.  I used to really love doing it and I used to have a lot of fun with it — I would often think of something to blog about and feel inspired just by beginning to compose the post in my head.  I don’t have that anymore.  Part of probably relates to what I just mentioned about feeling like I have to censor myself in order to avoid irritating encounters with visitors.  Part of it is that I just don’t feel as creatively inspired, for whatever reason (my first guess is that law school sucked it out of me, but perhaps there are other reasons as well).  I often feel like I’m just putting up posts as needed, so that my page isn’t blank — I’m not really motivated or gratified by it.  It’s been a long time since my blogging was consistent, frequent, energetic, and focused.  These days, it just feels like a chore.

Part of it may also be that I’ve moved into a different phase in life since I started blogging, and things are different now — I’m getting older and busier and perhaps my temperament towards such things as blogging is changing.  I find myself wondering why I started blogging in the first place… I feel like I thought it was a good way to keep up with people I love and let them know what’s going on with me.  But now, I just feel like doing that comes at a cost that is perhaps not worth the benefit (on several levels), and I could maintain those connections just as well — perhaps in an even more intimate, purposeful, and relevant way — by emailing, calling, and visiting my friends.  (But not by Facebooking them – I still haven’t caved in to Facebook and I never will, for various reasons, one of which is how impersonal and useless I find it when it comes to truly maintaing real friendships.  And, incidentally, I also think it’s a huge waste of time). 

I feel like I also thought blogging was a good way to express myself.  But now, I once again feel like doing that — in public — comes at a cost that is perhaps not worth the benefit (on several levels), and I could express my feelings and my struggles and my growth by writing in my journal, a practice which has unfortunately deteriorated since I started blogging.  This is especially true since journaling is private, and thus gives me the ability to reflect meaningfully on things in my life and in the lives of my family and friends that are not fit for public consumption via the blogosphere. 

I think, on the whole, I may have just reevaluated what blogging means to me.  I realize that when I check my blog and see how few comments there are on some posts, which, incidentally, may be a product of the fact that I don’t have as much creative energy going into my posts as I used to (see above).  But seeing that there are not many comments (which, I suppose, is better than having many judgmental or accusatory comments) makes me realize that I do blog for other people to read — if it was only for myself, then I wouldn’t do it on the internet.  A lot of people say they only blog for themselves, and maybe that makes sense to them, but it just doesn’t make much sense to me — it’s like girls saying that they dress up or wear make-up for themselves.  Why would I dress up if I was home alone and wasn’t going to leave the house?  It’s clearly something I do with other people in mind.  Similarly, blogging is something I do with other people in mind — particularly since it is fundamentally communicative in nature — and if other people aren’t reading my blog (which they don’t seem to be doing very much these days), then there’s not much point in blogging.  The lack of readership, combined with my own lack of inspiration, suggests that I’ve lost my steam for blogging.  I think my heart’s just not in it anymore, and evidently, other people’s hearts aren’t either.  So maybe it’s time to give it a rest.

Finally, there’s one really practical reason on my mind.  I’m nearing the end of law school and I’m going to enter a new professional world, a world in which I’m not sure I want my personal life to be web searchable, and a world in which I’ll spend the majority of my waking life at a job that I probably shouldn’t discuss on the internet — which would make it hard to find things to blog about, much less to blog in an authentic an expressive way, no?

Anyway, all that to say that I just think it’s time to say goodbye.

So, I thank you all for the time you’ve spent coming by here and hanging out with me, and I’ll remember the good times fondly.  But at this point, I’m making a choice to improve my overall quality of life by taking a break… who knows for how long — maybe forever.  At any rate, this is goodbye for now.

Dear WNYC,

I’m very upset with you.  Ever since I finally donated to you during your membership drive this year — partly in an effort to put my money where my mouth is and support public radio, and partly in an effort to make the highly annoying membership drive end sooner — I’ve gotten nothing but junk mail from more organizations seeking money than I can count.  Did I give you permission to sell or share my information?  No.  And would anyone expect an NPR station, of all organizations, to do such an unforgivable thing?  No.  And is it OK to get a pile of unsolicited paper just because it all comes from non-profits?  No. 

I’m so mad at you.  I never would’ve donated to you had I known you would do this to me.  And I’m never donating to you again.  You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Sincerely,

Naseem

Yesterday was first snow.  And yet, only a month ago, it was fairly warm and the leaves were green.  These are four pictures I took of our backyard over the last month — one each week for the four weeks of November.  I suppose the price we pay for an Indian summer is a fast fall and a quick surge into winter.

…you have the worst timing ever.

I had tickets for Spamalot at 8pm tonight.  But I couldn’t go.  Why?  Because you were on strike. 

But, lo and behold, you finally decided to end your strike.  When?  Tonight.  At 10:30pm. 

Did I mention that you have the worst timing ever?

Well, we had ourselves a nice Persian Thanksgiving, complete with tahdig.  And Lacey and Myk, complete with BGG.  And a big, crazy family, complete with a loud, hyper, hilarious nephew.  (I think my favorite quotation from Vahid this weekend was, “Do you want me to throw you in the volcano?  Is that what you want?”). 

And then we tried to return to New York.  We left for the airport yesterday at 4:30pm.  After a flight delay, the longest descent EVAR, the longest taxiing EVAR, the longest jetway EVAR, and the longest baggage claim fiasco/delay EVAR (they “accidentally mistook the baggage for freight” and then had to go fish it out of wherever they put it), we finally made it home — at 1:30am.  By that time, we could’ve been in London.

 And now… time to face the fact that finals start in 2 weeks.  Truly, I’m too old for this.  I’ve done this way too many times, and I’m just not in the mood for the whole frantic outlining, feverish meeting with study groups, stressing out ad nauseum, etc.  I mean, I’m a 3L, I’m graduating in May, I already have a job for next fall — so really, there’s nothing to worry about.  Particularly since I’ve already seen almost every possible exam grade since I started law school (and ceased to care about said grades), so there are really no surprises here.  So, I think I’m going to try to prepare and do my best, but just really chill about the whole thing.  Sound good?  I thought so.

So, this is something that has been mentioned around here before, and mentioned elsewhere, but I saw it yet again today in living color when, in one of my classes, a perfectly intelligent female student raised her hand and prefaced her question with, “This is a stupid question, but…”  Actually, it wasn’t a stupid question at all, and my professor — who is one of those prototypical white male law school professors (the kind who often disappoint when it comes to classroom equity) – gets points for telling her that it was in fact a very good question and for answering the question well.  I’m proud of him.  But despite his reaction, something happened in the room when she made that prefatory self-deprecation, and something happens in the room every time a woman calls her own questions stupid, apologizes for her views, speaks timidly when she has something to say, refuses to take a compliment and instead responds by disparaging herself.

I can’t count the number of times in law school (and in college… and in high school, for that matter) I’ve heard a male in a classroom saying something irrelevant and/or nonsensical with perfect confidence, asking a poorly-articulated and unclear question at full volume, speaking (admittedly) half-formed thoughts in unabashed tones – sometimes even interrupting a professor or another student to do so.  And don’t even get me started on the number of times a boy (outside the classroom) has not only accepted a compliment with a wide smile , but actually turned it into a pick-up line.  No apologies, no self-deprecation, no prefatory disclaimer. 

And yet women — even the ones getting post-graduate degrees — can’t bear to be thought of as confident in their intellects, comfortable in their views, and as smart as (or, God forbid, even smarter than) a boy. 

Since I was a teenager, I’ve spent a lot of time and energy trying to accept compliments humbly and graciously (but accept them nonetheless), to never apologize for speaking my views (but apologize if I’ve hurt someone), and to never preface my questions with self-deprecation (but preface them with sensible qualifying statements if necessary).  I’m still striving, and I hope that my fellow women will also strive for this — and perhaps just as importantly, I hope that men will be aware of and sensitive to these dynamics, and will do what’s needed to empower their fellow human beings when the time comes.

Last night, as we were falling asleep, the following exchange took place:

[darkness, total silence for several minutes] 

Greg: “I wish I was a dark elf.”

Nas: “What?”

Greg: “You know, a dark elf — and I could hide in the forest and stuff.”

Nas: “Right.  Goodnight love.”

Now, everyone knows that I’m a total U2 fanatic and that I think Bono is not only a musical genius with one of the most beautiful voices ever, but one of the true visionaries of our times.  Recently, I was reading an interview he did for Rolling Stone, and reflecting on it for a public policy class that I’m taking.  I thought I would share some of those reflections here, as they are also personally important to me.

I’ve long been on the email list for the ONE Campaign, and I often participate in their online lobbying initiatives (e.g., emailing your Senator to support a bill that will forgive the debt of African nations, etc.).  In reading this interview, I was thinking – as I often do – about how Bono has been an AMAZINGLY effective public policy advocate.  He has managed to take a non-partisan, human rights-oriented stance on Africa, third-world debt, poverty, and AIDS  that appeals to an extremely broad base of people by speaking to their human compassion and empathy, rather than their knee-jerk politics.  He has also involved a very active group of ordinary, non-famous citizens in the management and implementation of ONE’s goals and initiatives, which I think has been very effective in mainstreaming issues and making the campaign a true grassroots effort (I mean, the ONE Campaign has more or less become a household name by now). 

Importantly, he has also made it very easy to participate: you get an email, you click the link, you fill in your name and information in fields that populate a “Dear Congressman” letter (which is automatically mail-merged to your Congressperson/Senator based on your zip code), and then click send.  And, of course, it helps that he’s a rock star.  I won’t deny that it’s much easier to enlist people in a cause when you have the kind of fan following that he does as a result of U2’s music – but isn’t it all the more admirable that he’s one of the few (perhaps the only) that has used his fame and fortune so selflessly and so productively?  Ultimately, all of these facets of his advocacy strategy have led to manysuccesses: the G8 nations have forgiven massive debts in the world’s poorest countries, millions of doses of AIDS drugs have been sent to the most AIDS-stricken populations in Africa, and numerous other initiatives to alleviate extreme poverty have been successful.

I already knew all of this, but in reading this interview with Bono, I was also realizing how personally astute Bono is as a political communicator.  Of course, in his younger days, he would boldly sermonize on stage at U2 concerts about everything from violence in Northern Ireland to apartheid in South Africa – and I think there’s definitely some of that left in him.  But I think he’s realized that solving the entrenched, long-term, pervasive problems of poverty and disease can be a very effective, comparatively low-effort, and lasting way to address the most glaring, emergent, and seemingly contemporary problems of the world.  For instance, Bono believes that there is definitely an Islamist terror threat in the world, but he also believes that the Bush administration has handled the situation very badly since September 11.  Yet, rather than confront these issues directly (and perhaps in vain) as many celebrities have done, for instance by speaking out against the war in Iraq or denouncing Bush, he has maintained his decorum, refrained from personal or inflammatory attacks, preserved his political access, and focused his efforts where they can have the greatest impact. 

Thus, Bono framed the issue this way: “I think the president genuinely felt that if we could prove a model of democracy and broad prosperity in the Middle East, it might defuse the situation. I don’t believe that, and in the capacity I had, I told them that…  I said it in all my conversations. To Condi. To Karl Rove… I did not discuss it with President Bush. I try to stick to my pitch, and it’s an abuse of my access for me to switch subjects…  When I’m arguing for increased aid to Africa, I always say, ‘Isn’t it cheaper and smarter to make friends out of potential enemies than to defend yourself against them later?’  …In the not-too-distant future, the rich world will invest in the education of the poor world, because it is our best protection against young minds being twisted by extremist ideologies - or growing up without any ideology at all, which could be worse. Nature abhors a vacuum; terrorism loves one.”

Truly, he’s brilliant.  As I near the end of law school (gasp!) and I think more and more about my future career, I often find myself wondering how — in these dark times where unbelievable atrocities happen every day, and where most people are too busy reading about Paris Hilton to know or care about them — I can actually concretely serve my fellow human beings on a daily basis, and actually feel like I’m really accomplishing something (rather than just wasting my energy raging in vain against bureaucracy, ineptitude, and/or real evil).   Of course I have no answer yet, and I will continue to ponder that question.  But for the time being, I think that I, and perhaps all of us, could take lessons from Bono on how to develop a long-term vision, how to pick our battles, how to invest in preventive rather than remedial measures, how to remember the value of education, how to keep our eyes on the prize, how to stay out of partisan politics and personal mud-slinging, how to set goals, how to take approaches that give us tangible results, and how to build incrementally on those results to achieve real, measurable success — and even, perhaps, how to change the course of history. 

It’s official: I’m a Halo widow.

It’s almost November and it’s going to be 78 degrees today in New York City.  Once or twice in the last couple of months, we thought it was finally going to get cold, and we have indeed had a few cool autumn days — as well as some rain.  But the warm weather just keeps coming back, and we just had a lovely weekend… although that could be because George brought the sunshine with him from Florida (since, of course, good weather is conducive to a fun time in the city).  Either way, today is a bright and sunny Monday, and it’s making me quite happy.  Truly, I love New York.